Back when I lived with the Hottest Girls at USU, we had a wall in our apartment dedicated to “Hideous Boy Moments.” As you’ll recall in the original post, I promised that I would explain the details behind some of them.

Well, this is the one that started it all!

Is there someone in the closet?

Let me explain.

First, it should be stated that were never very good at locking the door to our apartment (sorry mom). Second, I had some very dramatic roommates, and one very fatherly-type neighbor boy.

This is Steven, our next door neighbor. Unfortunately this is the only picture I can find of him – though it is a pretty good representation of his personality, and of his willingness (or lack thereof) to participate in just about anything we came up with. His roommates, Chet and Stewart (back left), frequented our apartment – and our fridge.

Steven was the sort of neighbor that would walk out onto the balcony when he saw us leaving and yell something like, “Remember who you are.” He thought he was funny. In any case, he felt some responsibility to look after us – after all, he was a ‘mature senior boy,’ and we were just a bunch of silly freshman and sophomore girls with little clue about the big bad world. His role in the story will be made clear shortly.

The story is set late one week night at our apartment when two of my roommates were out, and the rest of us were sleeping.

Since it was in our nature to leave the door unlocked – basically all the time (we weren’t the smartest people) – and since we didn’t know when Amanda and Michelle would be back, or if they had a key, we didn’t lock the door. For the record, we did typically lock it at night once everyone was home and in bed – but on this particular night, not everyone was home.

It was shortly after midnight when Amanda and Michelle decided to come home. When they arrived and found the door unlocked and the apartment dark. It caused them to be a bit uneasy – okay, it basically freaked them out. Anyway, they entered the apartment slowly, turning on every light they could find. When they passed through the kitchen one of them grabbed a large knife – I don’t even want to know what they would have done should they have needed to use it. Anyway, they finally made it back to their bedroom and quickly closed the door. A couple of seconds later they heard a crash sound coming from inside their closet. So, naturally, they grabbed the knife again and ran screaming out of our apartment.

All of the noise woke up our neighbor, Steven. He came out of his apartment to find my two roommate crouched in the corner of the balcony clutching a large knife. I wasn’t out on the balcony to see it, but I imagine their emotional state was somewhere between intense laughter (at the fact that they were outside in the middle of the night with a large knife preparing to face some unknown fear in the apartment) and a legitimate fear (in a freshman girl sort of way) for their lives. In any case, they were able to convince Steven that someone was in our apartment, hiding in their closet. Steven, being our protector (and home teacher), decided to investigate. Pajama-clad, he took the knife from Amanda and Michelle and proceeded into our apartment. My roommates followed closely behind. Now, one might wonder why Steven didn’t just call the police if he suspected an actual threat. To be honest, I think he knew us all too well. Remember the drama I was talking about? Well, I think he knew that we couldn’t do anything small, or quietly. Drama laced everything at our apartment – even late night scares. My roommates and their knife-carrying, pajama-clad protector passed the threshold of the girls bedroom and approached the closet. And that’s when it happened.

Steven, with his outstretched knife-carrying hand called out, “Is there someone in the closet?”

There was no response. After a minute of silence they decided to brave the unknown and push open the closet door. There they found a stack of jeans that had fallen from a shelf. At that precise second my roommates broke out into hysterical laughter and began peeing their pants (I’m not entirely kidding). It was that laughter that woke the rest of us up. By the time we made it out of our respective bedrooms we found Steven standing in the hallway holding a large knife and Amanda and Michelle on the floor in fetal position unable to stand from laughing. Steven promptly returned the knife to its home in the kitchen and went back to his apartment. Amanda and Michelle had a bit of explaining to do.

Within a few days of this incident, the wall of hideous boy moments was born. This quote was added because of the stance and the voice Steven used when uttering those words into the closet, and because we weren’t entirely sure what he would have done if someone would have responded from inside the closet.

Hmmmm, let me explore that possibility:

Steven: Is there someone in the closet?
Unknown: Yes.
Steven: Who are you?
Unknown: A bad guy. A very bad guy.
Steven: Oh, um. Stay right there. I’m going to go call the police.
Unknown: Ok, I’ll just sit tight.

Nope. That’s not to likely. Let’s try again:

Steven: Is there someone in the closet?
Unknown: Nope. No one here.
Steven: Are you sure?
Unknown: Yep, very certain. No one here.
Steven: (to my roommates) Well, I guess no one is in there – I’ll be going back to bed now.

Ok, ok. . . One more try:

Steven: Is there someone in the closet?
Unknown: Yes.
Steven: Will you come out so I can stab you with my big knife.
Unknown: I’ll come out, but I doubt if your knife is any match for my gun.
Steven: Yea, well, I know karate (disclaimer: I have no idea if Steven actually has any karate training)
Unknown: Oooh, I’m shaking in my boots.
Steven: Come on out and fight like a man.
Unknown: Ready or not here I come.

The closet door is flung open and a horrible battle ensues. Steven and his karate-kid action vs. unknown and is pellet gun. The result is a bloody, violent battle in which the victor is uncertain. And it leaves a terrible mess of the bedroom.

I probably had a little more fun with this than I needed to. In any case, now you have the inside scoop on the first, of what would be many, hideous boy moments. Amanda/Michelle, if you guys are reading this and notice any missing or incorrect details, please correct me. And Steven, if you happen to read this post, ever – thank you for looking out for us. Our moms appreciate it too. You were a good neighbor.